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...From Don Hershberger

A Little Off the Mark

"It's an exercise in fertility."

"Hindsight is 50-50."

"Just use your own excretion."

"You are never going to fail unless you try."

"We're scraping the bottom of the iceberg."

"Today is like the day Rome was built in. We can't afford to have any fiddlers."

"The project is going down the toilet in flames."

"He might be barking at a red herring."

"You're treading on thin water."

I think he meant we should cross our T's and dot our I's but it came out this way: "Be sure we all cross our eyes."

"He's as deaf as a bat."

"We don't want to stick our necks out and get our asses chopped off."

"I gave him a real mouthful."

"I really took the bull by the hands."

"He doesn't know his hole from an ass in the ground."

"You should talk to her. She is a minefield of information."

"I can't remember but it's right on the tip of my head!"

"You can lead a pig to pearls..." and then he trailed off.

"Thanksgiving is early this year because the first Thursday fell on a Monday."

"The skeleton is there. You just have to sharpen it and put the decorations on the tree."

And this last quote, which may or may not have come from Osama: "We need an escape goat."

Answering Machine Messages Recorded and Verified By The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.

3. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

4. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry,
I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

6. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

7. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Listen Carefully When the Kids Sing

"God bless America, Thru the night with a light from a bulb!"

"0 Susanna, 0 don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

"Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

"We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese."

"Yield not to Penn Station, but deliver us from evil."

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked  to supply alternate meanings for various words.
Below are some of this year's  winning entries:

  1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
 answer the door in your nightie.

  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

  8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

  9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
 run over by a steamroller.

  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

  11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

  12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
 proctologist  immediately before he examines you.

  13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

  14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

  15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
  up on the roof and gets stuck there.

  16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

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